with no one /rectify

When you are alone with yourself all the time, with no one but yourself, you begin to go deeper and deeper into yourself until you lose yourself. It's a perverse contradiction. It's like your ego begins to disintegrate until you have no ego. Not in the sense that you you become humble or or or gain some kind of perspective, but that you literally lose your sense of self.   // he is not crying yet, as says lose yrslf.  cries at: not sure anyone can understand. //
 And I'm not sure anyone, unless they have gone through it, can can can truly understand how (INHALES DEEPLY) profound that loss is.




http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=rectify&episode=s04e01
Those other guys in the house, Nate, Pickle, Tyrus, when they were in prison, they were usually around a lot of other guys, right? Interacting. Sounds like prison. I was alone, interacting with myself. I'm aware of that. Or the voices inside the grate. Voices? The other inmates on the row. We would communicate with each other through the grates. I see. Sometimes with friends, sometimes with no friends at all. But no matter who it was, I would never get to see them or feel them, their their presence. And that's not the same. No. No, it's not. And I did that. I lived like that for 20 years. That's a long time. It's a strange way to exist. It's inhuman. What is it, Dan? If not now, when? After my friend was executed, I became despondent more despondent. I guess depressed. Enraged. But more than anything, I was lonely. So deeply lonely. He had protected me from that more than I realized. I bet. When you are alone with yourself all the time, with no one but yourself, you begin to go deeper and deeper into yourself until you lose yourself. It's a perverse contradiction. It's like your ego begins to disintegrate until you have no ego. Not in the sense that you you become humble or or or gain some kind of perspective, but that you literally lose your sense of self. And I'm not sure anyone, unless they have gone through it, can can can truly understand how (INHALES DEEPLY) profound that loss is. It's like the psychic glue that binds your whole notion of existence is gone, and you become unglued. I think, therefore I am. I think too much, therefore I am not. I am not, therefore I am nothing. (VOICE BREAKING) I am nothing, therefore I am dead. And if I am dead, then why am I still so goddamn lonely? It's good that you're talking about this, Dan.   What you've been through and what you've lost Part of the grieving process, you know? Is there a 90-day plan for that, too? A New Canaan House grief plan? What color binder is that housed in? Ain't no plan for that. But we're here to help you. We really are. The problem with your program is I don't fit. You're a human being, Dan. You fit. One of your biggest tenets or dictums or whatever you call it is is to be upfront, yeah? Be straight, be real. Tell the world what you did, right? No, not tell the world, just who you need to. The tiny little issue I am having, Avery, is that I don't know what real is. I don't truly know what I did or didn't do. I can say I am a convicted murderer, which is true. I am convicted. And I can say that I killed her, too Hanna which I have said more than once. And I can even imagine that I killed her, which I have imagined, because that's what I've been asked to do multiple times. But I honestly can't say that I did, in fact, kill her. Because I just don't remember, for the life of me. And that's (EXHALES SHARPLY) Your truth. Yes. That's my truth. And what if you never know what happened? I don't know. And I don't know what to do with that unknowing. Sounds like you got to accept it. What else can you do? It's not so easy. Of course it isn't, but you never tried, have you? No. - Why not? - I don't know. Come on. You know why not. Because I don't feel like I deserve it. I-is that the answer you wanna hear? Deserve what? A life? I didn't think it would end this way. That you'd get out? Alive. No. Then that's what you've got to decide, whether you deserve a life or not, out here, after all you've been through. After all that punishment, after all that suffering, your one life. Do you deserve to live it? And just because you don't remember or know for sure whether you killed that girl or not, that doesn't mean you did it either. Right? Maybe you oughta lean the other way for a while, that you didn't do it. But if I lean that way, it it means Means what? That I'm just making a decision. Okay. What else can you do? Not make a decision? And isn't that the same thing? And didn't you already make a decision the other way? This may sound hokey as shit, but you gotta figure out some way to love yourself.



















When you are alone with /is it with/  yourself all the time, with no one but /no one but/  yourself  /so you are someone some one/, you begin to go deeper and deeper into yourself  /yes though it is not clear wh th /   until you lose yourself   /again yes though not clear what is lose what is your what is eh self (I dont even like word 'self'.  not meaning how m d n like myself meaning how m I feel d n say wh.  more than th.  says sth th I feel not true.   is th why I want da-sein being-there  in each case my own  does he H heidegger translator manage not to say self  no I think says   selbst   in each case my own  is  sein selbst   well still maybe   about how to not be saying untruth I feel said in 'self'   how not to talk about God as an object./.
And I'm not sure anyone, unless they have gone through it, can can can  truly understand how profound that loss is. // this is where I.  he cries.  and I.  because wh them to understand.  he cries bcs wants understand.  -and-or- cries because the loss.  seems: the same  - this is a qstn.    crying the loss and crying want someone understand  
- how is it the same.   try answer:  
crying loss of myself is loss of  .someone I was with.  .there was no one but.  (this someone. myself). 
and then I was not.  loss.  left without.    //here remind.  faulkner is it.  as I lay dying.  prepare myself for sleep.//
missed someone. 
 _and_
crying want someone to understand.  want. lack.  "not sure anyone can understand.."  afraid no one can understand.  want someone understand. 
if someone (else) understands then.  less lonely. yes but say more.     self not lost if someone else understands (the loss of self).   /self constituted in relationsh * eh maybe exactly but it's not said for me by th.  I thou  maybe closer  this maybe more close/    what if just I understand, then am not lost?  there is no 'just I understand'    .there is only being understood.
"I am nothing, therefore I am dead.And if I am dead, then why am I still so goddamn lonely?"
I am not understood, therefore I am not.  and I am alone.
csl "I did not believe in God.  and I was very angry at Him for not existing." do I mean this is the same or different.   csl not alone.  angry at someone for being not there.  csl 'self' is there.  this is in Surprised by Joy and I think not sure remember right he means it twd that he did believe.
daniel is he does not (believe).  he does not have 'himself'  .he is not.


faulkner is it.  as I lay dying.  prepare myself for sleep. *    "And before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are emptied for sleep, you are not. And when you are filled with sleep, you never were. I don't know what I am. I don't know if I am or not."
*   and before you are emptied for sleep what are you // A Reader's Guide to William Faulkner: The Novels - Edmond Loris Volpe - Google Books / huh: Darl's meditations on being and non-being are less imagistic bcs he is intelligent and he is capable of identifying the problem.  / ~ less imagistics bcs intelligent /
...And when you are filled with sleep, you never were. I don't know what I am. I don't know if I am or not. Jewel knows he is, because he does not know that he does not know whether he is or not. He cannot empty himself for sleep because he is not what he is and he is what he is not. ...
The dependence on emotional attachments and upon the identity of others for our own sense of identity is stressed in Dearl's references to Jewel.  Darl knows that Addie is dead, but Jewel does not: therefore Jewel, Darl muses is what he is not.  The identity that Jewel knows in his relationship with his mother no longer exists, though he does know it yet. But Darl, knowing that Addie is dead, knows that Jewel "is what he is not"