“Gender?” they would say, “I hardly know ‘er!” /// I start to consider what I might be, if my girlness hasn’t counted simply because it wasn’t overtly confessed.

I Am A Transwoman. I Am In The Closet. I Am Not Coming Out. – Medium  

Imagine a cis-woman evenly saying:  “I wish I looked like that but I don’t and can’t. It sucks and it makes me feel really awful if I brood on it. That’s why I focus on my writing—I’d rather make things. Investing in and building things that aren’t my body helps me cope with the body issues I’ve been saddled with against my will.”

She doesn’t sound like she needs advice on how makeup will actually fix her core problem, does she? She seems like she’s doing alright. I’m her and I’m trans. That’s all.

I appreciate the encouragement I receive from trans friends, but I reject the implication that transitioning is my destiny. My brain is my brain — my body is my body. They don’t match, and I’ve chosen to devote my energy to coming to terms with that and focusing on other things, rather than trying to change my body. I am not advocating this position to other trans people or discouraging anyone from pursuing the path they feel is best for them.



The best I can do, for me, is divest—as best I can—my identity from my appearance and focus, mindfully, on other things. It’s not impossible! Look at those Dust Bowl folks—they were just trying to drive across the country in a jalopy! “Gender?” they would say, “I hardly know ‘er!”   // :)



I am eighteen years old.  I am in college. I learn that some people ask to be called by different pronouns. I see how this feels in my head. It doesn’t make much of a difference. I still want to sit in that chair and flip that switch. Pronouns are the least of my concerns.

I visit a women’s college. I am surrounded by new women and we feel instantly comfortable around each other. I attend a lecture. The speaker yells “who gets to be a woman?” and a crowd of cis women responds “anyone who wants to be!”

The sentiment is nice, but I think about the years I spent staring out the window at the stars and I feel suddenly uncomfortable.

Later during this trip I am having a conversation with my new friends about femininity. They are articulate and intelligent women. I’m grateful to be around them. Until I am told by one of them, angrily, that I am not really allowed to talk about femininity because I am a straight cis boy. It is not my place and it is not my territory. I should shut up and listen.

I start to consider what I might be, if my girlness hasn’t counted simply because it wasn’t overtly confessed. I think about my boyness—about my childhood and adolescence—how my experiences with boys deviated from what I was taught to expect.

I change my major and spend a year writing about non-gay-identifying male femininity from the Aesthetics of the late 1880’s to vaudeville radio stars. Eventually, as a love-hate letter to coming-of-age films of the 80’s, 90’s and early 00’s, I write my thesis on the friendship and sexuality of American males and its representation in television & film. One piece of feedback is “I am so sick of boys writing about boys.”

I think about being told I was not allowed to speak about femininity. I wonder what a person like me is allowed to speak about.

One of the boys from boarding school, who began to shower with me late at night, who told me through gritted teeth that he was too skinny and too fat, throws himself in front of a train.




I hate that the only effective response I can give to “boys are shit” is “well I’m not a boy.” I feel like I am selling out the boy in baseball pajamas that sat with me on the bed while I tried to figure out which one I was supposed to be, and the boys who I have met and loved from inside my boy suit—who believed they were talking to a boy. I feel like I am burning the history of the naked body that sits on the floor of my shower. The body that went to prom in a boxy tuxedo and coveted the gowns.
Because I am not a boy, but I am a woman who had a boyhood.
I was, and am, made to live as a boy and I cannot suspend the perspective that gave me..

((and join in when it’s time to fluster one of those clueless fuckers into anger .. so we can grab those solidarity faves. It’s fucked up. It has metastasized.))

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Und wenn sie nicht gestorben sind, dann leben sie noch heute

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 Es war einmal ist eine typische Einleitungsphrase für Märchen, Sagen und ähnliche Erzählungen. //fairytales, sayings, other tellings :) // Sie wird seit einigen Jahrhunderten benutzt // for some hundreds years used// und ist dadurch ein Kennzeichen für diese Textsorte geworden. Das Gegenstück dazu bildet oft die Schlussphrase Und wenn sie nicht gestorben sind, dann leben sie noch heute

//heard that closing phrase read by student in movie (scene in classroom near the end)     The Forest for the Trees (2003) - IMDb
Der Wald vor lauter Bäumen  original title  / the trees are louder  /in Deutschland it's the trees that have the agency, louder than the wood, that's why we 'miss' it. 

Es war einmal … (Phrase) – Wkp

Sprache	Einleitungsphrase	Übersetzung	Schlussphrase	Übersetzung

 [Übersetzung = Translation]

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Dänisch
Der var engang...
...Og de levede lykkeligt, til deres dages ende

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Französisch
Il était une fois  ...
... et se marièrent et eurent beaucoup d’enfants

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Griechisch
Μια φορά κι έναν καιρό...               [Mia forá ki énan keró ]
...Κι έζησαν αυτοί καλά κι εμείς καλύτερα      [Ki ézisan afti kalá ki emis kalýtera ]
/!  Und sie lebten gut, und wir besser

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Italienisch
C'era una volta ...
...e vissero tutti felici e contenti.
vissero  live   tutti  all    (felici happy)

...Und alle lebten glücklich und zufrieden  
 zufrieden = adverb: contently.  (I first think ~ verb ~ they celebrated? = feiern Sie). 
frieden = peace.  /nice:  zufrieden =  zufrieden  at peace.

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______________________
English  Einst, vor einer Zeit
~  Und sie lebten für immer glücklich.
lit.  sie lebten glücklich überhaupt nachher
__________
dutch
~french
*german
*greek
italian
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Und wenn sie nicht gestorben sind, dann leben sie noch heute

tele-v Sept 2016

… 
People of Earth.   31 Oct TBS                 http://www.metacritic.com/pictures/fall-tv-preview-2016
Search Party.  airs November 21-25 on TBS:  This serialized, darkly comedic mystery series—which has good early buzz following its SXSW debut in the spring—finds a group of self-absorbed 20-somethings (led by Alia Shawkat) uniting to investigate the disappearance of one of their college classmates. Though the cast features several relatively unknown regulars (other thanArrested Development star Shawkat), you'll spot Rosie Perez, Ron Livingston, Parker Posey, and Christine Taylor in recurring roles. Adopting yet another unusual rollout strategy, TBS will air the entire first season during Thanksgiving week, with two episodes airing late each night.   /int  :)  this appealed to me back when I read re upcoming tbs ~ futon critic ~ & saw trailer.
….
Gilmore Girls Season 8 streams November 25 on Netflix   / oh right!  not just all seven seasons now avail ~ maybe watch sometimes casually  I wonder ~ will I still like Lorelai so well, after not liking lauren graham so m ~ in parenthood.   but yes new season will hold enough curiosity to me to be int I think!! //   Although beloved by many, the 2000-2007 WB/CW dramedy ended on a bit of a sour note, with a final season that was missing creator/writer/producer Amy Sherman-Palladino. But she, husband and co-writer/co-director Dan Palladino, and virtually the entire Stars Hollow gang (including stars Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel, plus Melissa McCarthy in at least a limited capacity) are back for this Netflix revival, which consists of four 90-minute movies/episodes set during a different season over the course of one year (hence the newGilmore Girls: A Year in the Life title), picking up about eight years after events in the original series. And, despite earlier hints at a staggered release, all four of those episodes will be available to stream immediately in November. Expect some new faces as well, including Graham's Parenthoodco-star Mae Whitman //oh int!  her other daughter :) I wonder as who? her other daughter :)/, plus cast members (including Sutton Foster) from Sherman-Palladino's Gilmore Girls follow-up Bunheads.



14 Sept watch now:

* Something, Anything  - Netflix - expires 19 Sept! ~ 5 days to watch   http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/something-anything-2015
Something, Anything  movie rvw (2015) | Roger Ebert  / gradually (if gently) retreats into contemplation...   After losing the baby, Peggy recoils into herself: the Southern middle-class world she took for granted suddenly becomes unfamiliar to her, maybe even slightly repugnant in its focus on possessions and status. An unexpected sympathy note from a high-school friend now a Kentucky-based Trappist monk  .. She quits her job in favor of a lesser-paid position at a local library, cancels her phone service and starts looking into the possibility of monastic living. **     religious vocation treated with all the attentiveness and respect one would hope for when dealing with anyone’s sense of purpose in life. /this is a v nice review/   
 It would be too much to call “Something, Anything” a story of religious conversion—things never go so far, since Peggy (at one point adopting her given name, Margaret, as a sign of the change she underwent) is only just starting to explore her spiritual side. The script is not pushing her to make any steady commitment to a denomination or a church.  in fact there’s a suggestion that what draws [her] towards monastic life is less the divinity it is centered on than the seclusion it offers..
At one point, Peggy reveals that she used to be a competitive cheerleader, and there is indeed something of a cheerleader’s poise and diligence about her. It’s there even in the religious pursuit we witness: the subtle humor of “Something, Anything” comes from the fact that Peggy is loaning /borrowing?/ out books and making notes on the nature of prayer almost as if she were preparing for some spiritual baton-twirling marathon. She cannot help herself; her seriousness about her choices is her armor (and one much more lasting than the blood-red nail polish we see her apply in the first shots of the film, when she still defines herself by other people’s perception of who she is).
...that what draws Peggy towards monastic life is less the divinity it is centered on than the seclusion it offers, which only adds to the overall subtlety  .. sustained tone serene  opening motto fr poem christina rosetti Who has seen the wind   ** 







and now of int:
> Criminal Justice (ytube)   along w  Night of.       ~ and Nightcrawler movie - on netflix.




FALL 2016    ..  current!  Friday QUARRY cinemax  first ep was 9/9 I like it v m!   … Atlanta FX Tues first was 9/6    ….. this Sat 9/17 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sister_Cities_(film)   lifetime.   and 9/18 Emmys.


Easy - 23 Sept Netflix - anthology half hour epsds each char in Chicago *


Westworld  - 2 Oct  hbo      .. also on hbo ~Divorce sarahjessicaparker


Goliath -  14 Oct az 
Not every Amazon series goes through the streaming service's rather unusual public pilot process. Example one: the eight-episode Goliath, the latest legal drama from from TV veteran David E. Kelley, here re-teaming with his The Practice colleague Jonathan Shapiro. The serialized drama stars Billy Bob Thornton (a replacement, though not a downgrade, for the originally cast Kevin Costner /I’d be m less int!) as a down-and-out attorney seeking redemption through a major case that finds him attempting to take down a giant aerospace company and its powerful law firm. William Hurt, Maria Bello, Olivia Thirlby, Molly Parker, Dwight Yoakam, Jason Ritter, and Sarah Wynter also star.


RECTIFY Season 4 starts October 26 on Sundance   
Rectify quiet, elegiac, unsettling, sexually charged, captivation. not like anyth else in mood & tone

nb  Bloodline   / tried early Sept. mood is cool.   but  ~  no char hooks me, other than maybe int in kid Nolan.  … skipped to last epsds try to get intd ~ a bit. 



____________


Netflix still, noted below Apr-May: 
30 Degrees in February  (Swedish re emigrants to Thailand) .        ... The Legacy ~ ytube                       Detectorists.                        
 Red Road.     Longmire.    Narcos.      Sons of Anarchy. /~ tried in early Sept a bit. so far not compelled/              Happy Valley s2.    


still:    Night Of. *      //                Kingdom.                

* on ytube can watch Criminal Justice 2008 five part miniseries BBC, on which Night Of (8 epsds) based.  watch part or all of e1 Criminal Justice, then ep1-2 Night of.  go back & forth if int to compare, and if like the BBC orig.  otherwise just watch hbo wh is prob overall better (higher production etc).


not to forget, hbo: TREME.  oh and, John from Cincinnati.



* there is going to be a second season of Top of the Lake  !! 
____________________________________________________

reminder  my   5-star (ntflx)           
   Top of the Lake /rewatch*/     Rectify      Melancholia       Fruitvale Station         Terriers   ..  Weeds  ..    SHAMELESS /not to forget! now all seasons Shameless US on Netflix.    
    //and  ~4 star  Bloodline.   The Returned.     The Riches.     UsofTara.  

 //and further reminder:     Hist of Violence    Woodsman     Assassntn of Jesse James by the Coward Rbt Ford      ..  The Prestige

not ntflx. (az) JUSTIFIED.   (hbo) The Lftvrs. 


not to forget:  FAME !!! ytube all or most, s4-6 yay. 
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________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Aug 2016
watched movie Alpha Dog, v good.  (in ‘last chance’ featured collection on hbo.  also of int ~  I Origins.)  > dir Nick Cassavetes > ~ movie Yellow. not readily avail streaming, that’s ok.   > Max Thierot (Bates Motel s4 still to watch, no rush, prob when avail on netflix) > movie Disconnected. looks good. highly rvwd. jason bateman. frank grillo.      //  nb like Bates Motel also still to watch ~ when avail, on az: Orphan Black s4

Max Thierot also > Texas Rising. history channel, looks v good, cld learn re texas revolutn fr mexico.    }} not on az prime or hulu or netflix.    

nb of int on Hulu:, had started before hulu gone (rg cancelled) in early Sept 2016.
The Outsiders.  wgn amer. also ~ Underground. re Outsiders 1-1 Farrell Wine  -Damn,what was in that moonshine? Ive had some shine myself.I just got drunk. 
/ watched up to ~ epsd 6 or so?  then thought, oh ok hulu gone, almost just as well, not really that good.  I did like the setting though.  and the actor who played Johnno in Top of the Lake.  ~ char kept surprising me here by not being more likable.   lead actor ok.  his love int though not v well writ char.  d n seem like the supposed strongest who shld be leader as the former woman leader said.
…   War & Peace miniseries.  lifetime (huh was expcting BBC) jan-feb 2016.
Banished.  australian penal colony!  bbc worldwide 2015.   / watched opening.  I like the lead acotrs - governor is bad guy fr Top of the Lake.  and prisoner is guy fr Him & Her (hulu, british, v likable). 
1787 Britain banished its unwanted citizens to Sydney in Australia. They found it to be so barren and hostile that very few Englishmen wanted to set foot there.  famine, drought, escapes, hangings and floggings, but the colony thrived.

http://www.fwweekly.com/2013/04/30/blogging-django-unchained-heading-to-candyland/

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Blogging "Django Unchained" (Heading to Candyland) - Fort Worth Weekly  /this is good.. am int in wh he is ldg to, w Stephen:  Stephen rises up out of his chair and comes out to greet the master. His eyes widen at the sight of Django riding in on a horse, then narrow with anger. I really should have had this character pegged from the start, but more on that later.   ..   Calvin greets Stephen, and the latter responds, “Yeah, yeah. Hello, my ass.” I could always feel audience bracing themselves for a typically Samuel L. Jackson loud and brash performance at this line, and I was bracing for one, too, when I first saw this, but this is something else, as we’ll see.   >>> what?  *

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 This is where Calvin’s relatively enlightened nature makes him more dangerous. A racist fool like Big Daddy wouldn’t even perceive the double-dealing here, but Calvin does because he has no problem with the idea that a black man has temporarily outsmarted him, or with another black man pointing that out.

He accepts that an African-American can be intelligent, but does that bring him around to the idea that slavery is wrong? Of course not! He’s like Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds, a bad guy who realizes that the people he’s stepping on are no worse than himself, a realization that only allows him to trample those people more efficiently. Calvin knows that the system is unfair, but because that unfairness benefits him, he doesn’t care. How many people do we see around us who fit this description? It’s funny; you wouldn’t think of turning to Tarantino’s movies for a critique of capitalism, but Django Unchained offers up a pretty good one anyway. (And how different would this movie have looked if Mitt Romney had won the 2012 presidential election the month before it came out? I can’t imagine, and I’m glad I didn’t have to find out.)



-  ?? wish cld read more on that