Friday, September 9, 2005

this fametracker site looks pretty good allround. mmm comparisons of images in the public mind.

eg, one of the regular readings: For years, we've measured the equivalent worth of celebrities against their famous brethren and, er, sistren. But then we got to wondering: how would celebrities fare in head-to-head battles with actual useful, everyday objects? This revealed to us a whole new and finely calibrated method by which we can measure celebrity relevance -- a method we like to call Celebrity vs. Thing.

eg, Angelina Jolie Vs. Bottled Water Okay, the first thing we have to acknowledge is that the existence of Angelina Jolie has saved us all countless hours of our lives, if only because she definitively eliminates the need to debate the question: who is the sexiest woman alive? Or most beautiful, hottest, most alluring, what have you. Sure,the Peoples will still carry on this now pointless argument, throwing out their Eva Longorias (what?) and Julia Robertses (yeah, right!), as though this topic were still open for discussion. But, really, case closed.
Arguing for the supreme sexiness of Eva Longoria in the lifetime of Angelina Jolie is like being a vociferous creationist on the day that a particularly sharp monkey uses an abacus, writes a sonnet, and finally masters the nuances of written Latin. A tough position.
kinds agree. Catherine Zeta-Jones? no. - but: Uma Thurman. just as cool. and maybe more varied. Jolie is always winking cool. at least a little wicked. tough. Uma can seem that way, right, but also friendly. but ok, Jolie's always being wicked cool, maybe that does make for sexiest. Gia.
wow it just keeps coming: Because Angelina Jolie is not sexy, exactly; she's more like what an alien race might concoct from scratch, but, being an alien race, and not really understanding the usual limitations of humanity, they go a little overboard: the lips, the curves, the smoldering glance. Like, nice try, alien race, but let's get real.
Also remember this: the woman can act. Granted, the two Tomb Raider films put us in mind of that hoary old saying. How does it go? Fool us once, shame on us; fool us twice, this movie sucks even worse than the first one.
...Brad Pitt as one-half of a couple in which, for once, he's the one who makes you think, You know, maybe you're just not hot enough for her.
The Case For Bottled Water: What are you going to do? Drink from the tap? When's the last time you drew a cold glass of water in the kitchen sink? Sure, it may have been yesterday, in which case we can render a decision in this battle right now.
...We're here to decide which we could more easily live without -- bottled water or Angelina Jolie. Now, you might say, what's one movie star, more or less? Isn't Jennifer Connelly pretty hot? And is Jolie really worth going back to the days of drinking dirty, dirty water from the tap? Oh, yes, friend. Yes, she is.
Don't underestimate the value of a plain-spoken, entertaining, child-aiding, actually talented, slightly crazed, incredibly hot movie star. Hell, we'll come and fill a hundred tiny bottles with tap water and stick them in your fridge overnight if that will make you feel better. You'll never have to know.
Winner: Angelina Jolie

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