YouTube - Mitch Hedberg - On Letterman #2
I don't stay at the bed&breakfasts. I don't think I would.
'Cause I figure if you stay at a bed and breakfast, at the end of the day, you start to get hungry. Is that all you got around here? Then you need to direct me to a chair,lunch,dinner
I'm gonna open up a chain of chair,lunch,dinners
and put 'em right across the street from the bed&breakfasts.
say, C'mon over, about one.

Dogs are forever in the push-up position. hehehehe
...that joke is dumb, I'm aware of that.

I saw a commercial on tv, it said You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.
now who would make their plants hard to reach? that seems so very mean.
I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach.
I will throw water at you. hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel & die.

I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be haaard.

I find that ducks' opinion of me is very much influenced over whether I have bread.
A duck loves bread but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf.
That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. like if I worked at a convenience store and a duck came in and grabbed a loaf of bread with his beak and walked out, I'd let him go. oh that's a nice smile.

you know the Pepperidge farm bread, that stuff is fancy, it's wrapped twice.
you open it and it still ain't open.
that's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

YouTube - Mitch Hedberg- Movie Pot (just his voice, over a cartoon)
I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Framden. that's a cool story. it's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy that looks like Peter Framden. I done that waaay more.
now Peter Framden's a musical legend but I don't know his music
so when you meet a legend and you don't know his body of work,
you have to divert from that fact
hey Peter Framden do you like toast too?

you know I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

YouTube - mitch hedberg and the ducks (voice over images)
I was in downtown Boise, Idaho and I saw a duck
and I knew the duck was lost 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown, there's nothing for 'em there.
so I went to a subway sandwich shop, said Let me have a bun. but she wouldn't sell me a bun, she said I had to have something on it, she said it's against regulations for subway to sell just the bun, I guess the two halves ain't s'posed to touch. so I said, Put some lettuce on it. which they did, said That'll be a dollar seventy-five, I said It's for duck. said Alright then it's Free.
See I did not know that.
Ducks eat for free at Subway.
Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. Let me have the steak fajita sandwich. But don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck. There are six ducks out there and they all want Sun Chips!

YouTube - Mitch Hedberg - Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
you know on a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield.
but on a banana it's just the opposite. hehehehee
yellow means, hold on... and green means, go ahead...
and red means, where'd you get that banana...