omiewise 19Apr07 : pamccf—splagkhna
pamccf (User #33823) has a weblog called splagkhna. The sacrificial guts.
It's a series of dense but elliptical posts about living. I'd like to describe it more fully, but I think that would do it a disservice.
It's good, but not at all light.
dense, elliptical, not at all light. sounds like a possible friend.
This post on Performance Anxiety is perhaps indicative. *

It's well worth scrolling down to find her lists of books read and movies watched, they're impressive. yes, first I see is H Laxness the icelandic author whose book ~ People I expect is v good though there is for me some barrier to entry. The rest of the list seems all the more obscure, fine.


*Performance Anxiety
It’s always best to begin with questionable etymology, no matter what the subject. (See, Heidegger did teach me something after all. Heidegger.) Wikipedia says (today) that the word sin ultimately comes from the Proto-Indo-European *es-, to be. Provocative! - to be is to sin. Even better: the word(possibly) (maybe) comes through an unattested intermediary, whose meaning is “it is true”. Truly, to be is to be in sin.
...The empty, worn out feeling is uncanny. I wriggle with panic in the grip of it. It seems larger than any energy I could have the use of, and I vanish in comparison while my uncompleted tasks only grow. It’s large, and dark, and heavy, and turning my eyes to it makes me furious with terror.
Also funny: the reaction that calms me down fastest: the kind of backstage banter that acknowledges the anxiety but shows its other face. It’s all a performance; the eyes that watch me from the dark don’t have power over me; I can relax and take off my mask. It’s a particular knack to this kind of banter that both affirms my sense of the immensity of the dark, but that also deprives it of ultimate reality. God is only my father, I don’t have to do anything I can’t, just dip this sponge in water and those painted lines come right off the face.

oh wow.
I don't exactly relate ~ feel that I know what she is naming ~ and I do not (seem to) feel that I have disappointed, that I should... but the terms seem close: terror, mask, banter.
and I admire the writing. exacting. cadence.

Published:

04.03.07 / 6pm

Some things this has to do with include:

self, personality, psychology, shame, writing, heidegger, thinking, drained, fear, failure, future, currency, unfinished, rhythm, mood, pace, time, ambition, fatigue, anxiety, performance, sin

so where the difference I feel: shame. failure. ambition. (religion?)
very close to: personality (several posts w this link). heidegger. thinking. rhythm. mood.

a comment to the post sounds like andrew (it's not): I like the sponge metaphor. I sort of closed my eyes after reading it.
and this, in comments from her: I don’t know if its psychological or psychological, if you follow the distinction (did she mean to type the same word twice? elliptical), but I just don’t do well with written records that intend to be true. Especially if I’m making them for myself. (Who’s he? Oh, he’ll remember.) he? not capitalized. did she mean, 'oh I'll remember'? which is unlike me. I am always writing for myself who does not remember. as if I will not remember. in case. sake, keep.