Introspection of a Plural Wife (at Heart):

Big Love: Ana, Prospective 4th Wife
For me, creating a polygamous relationship is all about being open with everyone involved; it is important during the "courtship" process that all the parties spend time together, getting to know each other, both together and individually. Building a polygamous relationship means that there is a group relationship and several dyadic relationships that need to be fostered and maintained in a balance. If one grows stronger faster than the others, it creates insecurity and an imbalance in the group relationship. It's important for the husband to spend private time with each woman, for the woman to spend private time with each other, and for the group to spend time together, too. That balance can be challenging to maintain but working at it from the very beginning, before the marriage takes place, can strengthen it and help create channels of problem solving in advance of problems arising.
My husband and I did not kiss before we were married. I had a friend who was completely scandalized by this. It was hard for her to accept that I was becoming a polygamist, but she seemed more upset that I hadn't even kissed him! She was very concerned that we wouldn't be compatible once we did kiss, but I assured her that I had everything I needed to assure myself that we were right for each other. I had a personal "witness" from God that this was my mate, which I had received after several years of prayer, religious study and some fasting. Once I received that, I embraced my new family with everything I had and fell madly in love with them all, husband, wife and three kids (and one on the way).

'Big Love' First Episode, Season Two
The best part of the show was the interaction of the family members with each other regarding Barb's leaving, or possibly permantently leaving, the family. As I said in an earlier blog, I can absolutely relate to Margene's statement that she didn't think she could stay married to Bill and Nicki without Barb. "I don't know if I can be married to Bill & Nicki if I'm not married to you " - something I find so lovely in this bond between heterosexual women married to one another
Nicki's comment to Bill that this was not just his marriage, that it was their marriage, too, struck a chord in me. Even though each woman is married to Bill, they are all married to each other and are impacted by each other's choices.
I suffered immense grief at my sister-wife's decision to divorce. I was also frustrated with the change in the relationship with my husband, going from polygamy to monogamy. I felt that monogamy was thrust upon me against my will. When I had decided to marry into my family, I became the second wife and for all the ups and downs and joys and heartaches, I wanted the other wife there. I loved her and their children, and envisioned our future together. When she left, I lost my friendship with her because so many things became sour and hurtful. I didn't grow up in a polygamous family and hadn't planned to marry into one or become a plural wife, but once I made the decision to embrace the practice, and do it, I wanted it to work. I didn't want my husband all to myself. In fact, having him around all of a sudden, every day and every night, interfered with time I had to that point in the marriage, set aside for myself, time I spent with family or friends, or pursuing personal interests. When I have explained this in the past to people, I sometimes get the response that I must not really love my husband or want him around, but that's not true. I see it very similar to what couples go through when one or both spouses retire from a career and are home more often in each other's space. They love each other but their lives are changing and the relationship will have to evolve to meet those changes.
In any case, I have now been monogamous for years and have settled into a one-one couple relationship that will have to be unsettled to some extent and re-created should we ever marry again (and I hope we do!).