I Love You Jason Stackhouse - True Blood 5-1 Turn! Turn! Turn! - recap by Jacob | TWoP | p1 recaplet:
.. Pam shows up out of nowhere to be bitchy about Eric, and Sookie makes a deal with her to turn Tara into a vampire. So that's Sookie's day. Mopping, sitting by a gravesite all night, and eventually being attacked by her newly vampire best friend, who would seem to have come back a good bit more feral than most.
I don't know how to feel about that. I don't know what it says that the most intelligent, verbal character on the entire show has come back from the dead fucktarded. My fear is that it's emblematic of the show in general, which would also seem to have come back from hiatus a good deal more fucktarded than even in previous years. I know what it's like when I overstay my welcome with a show, and hang onto it out of habit, so I want to give you plenty of warning about the facts, which are that maybe this show sucks now? Or I am just in a shitty mood, and let what just happened to be a remarkably crummy script ruin the whole experience.
Like oh boy are you going to hate this girl Nora, who is Godric's Progeny and thus Eric's vampire sister -- although they also fuck, and while they're fucking they call each other brother and sister, it's all quite droll -- and I think she was invented to get on your nerves. Like scientists in a lab could not have designed a more off-putting person. Zooey Deschanel working in an ire-magnet store could attract less ire.
.. In the end, I guess, it's worth sticking around to see just how offensive the Newlin and Tara storylines will get -- and of course the hope, as always, is that the show will stay amazing -- but I'm not so sure I'm going to last the season. How about you?


You Get The True Death, True Blood - posted June 11, 2012 by Gabe | Videogum
It’s not as if we hadn’t seen this coming for awhile. I think I knew for sure that it was time to say goodbye to True Blood last season when I wrote that I hoped I was dead before the show returned. And yet, here I am. Sad story. I knew going into last night’s season 5 premiere that I would not be recapping the show because guess what: LIFE IS TOO SHORT. When I get to them bright pearly gates and Saint Peter is like “Surprise, Jew! Now let’s look back on how you spent your brief time on Earth,” and everything goes by in a flash except the flash sort of slows down at one point because those are the YEARS I spent slogging through recaps of True Blood, I at least want to be able to turn to Albert Einstein and Audrey Hepburn at the fabulous dinner party that first night and say, “at least I eventually learned my lesson,” and then everyone will high five and we’ll cheers to me with crystal goblets of cloud wine. The point is: enough. But I did watch last night’s episode just to see how bad things were going to get. 
Probably the most ridiculous thing about True Blood besides everything about it is trying to imagine explaining last night’s episode to someone who had never seen the show before. We jump in right where we last left off, and it’s a fucking nightmare. “OK, so, you see, the two vampires just killed the Vampire Prime Minister, I think, something like that, and now they have to kill someone with a silver UMBRELLA and fuck their own siblings in a The Wire Season 2 storage container and get new VAMPIRE PASSPORTS before the Vampire government stabs them with wooden stakes for vampire treason. Meanwhile, the naked dog bird shapeshifter who owns a bar and grill with a pool table is being hunted by the werewolves for killing another werewolf because he wants to date a woman with a child that he met in a support group and it turns out werewolves are cannibals at funerals that is a thing and Lafayette has the dark Mexican magic but he is sad because he stabbed his own boyfriend while wearing his boyfriend’s own silk robe but now the body is gone probably to be turned into an Egyptian mummy and there used to be maenads whatever those are and Sookie is a fairy but we’re not talking about that right now and where are the Panther People now that you mention it but the most important thing is that this all comes back to THE WAR IN IRAQ.” Oh neat. Let’s keep watching this sounds great!
Obviously, you could make this point about lots of shows that have complicated plots and are five seasons deep. It’s never going to be easy to just pick something up 100 hours in. But here’s the thing: most of those shows don’t make me want to JUMP OFF A ROOF. That’s the big difference, you see? So goodbye to this show. I will never watch another minute of it. It’s terrible. I know that millions of people love it and masturbate to it and that’s fine, I’m happy for them, Vampire Jessica is kind of hot except for the whole I’M AN ADULT AND SHE’S IN A VAMPIRE COSTUME thing, but you know, you do you, everybody.

-Have you been talking to my girlfriend, because she said almost the exact same thing after last night’s fiasco. “I will never watch another minute of this show.”

Wait…HAVE you been talking to my girlfriend? Gabe?

--I think 99% of America jointly said “I’ll never watch another minute of this show” last night. And I think 99% of those people said that immediately after Eric got done ravaging his vampire sister in a storage container and said (with a serious face) that “We fight like siblings, but we fuck like champions.”

-I think they are Gabe giving up on The Walking Dead and Kelly giving up on Breaking Bad away from just not doing recaps of television anymore.


No Television Show Will Ever Die Again | Videogum

-notsewfast: I’ve been stealing pens from the set of The Killing in hopes that they will get frustrated with the extra expense and cancel the show.   /// :)