am ok being alone if no pressure /if I was dying/ ~ mostly? only w pressure > fear. ? /so, do wh I wld do if dying? = wh? say anyth
if can sleep long.
am not ok doing things alone. anyth goal oriented. even going to grocery (but can. minimally.) sunlight.
am int in articulating: What is going on here? re anyth, if w someone ` in conversation. dynamic = a there.
if alone, always re myself: what is going on, wh can make okay?
this kind of note-taking ***
rg- That is your ~~~ task? challenge? //it is wh I will regret not hvg ~undrstd~ *** tried to tell = 'writing' . is anyone like me? Tell me you are like me. my horizon.
norm is to come to meta physics after physics. "to me it just sounded like Being Being Being"
to come to grief later. ~ existentialism- or nihilism. not as a stance an ism but as? an always-already-
poverty not to live in the physical world.
nothing can 'compete w intensity' of inner world (blltn brd. fr Autobiogr of a schizophr, intr by her psyanalyst?) inner objects
my unwillingness to come out of sleep. sense of outside world as not real - ? ~ irrelevant. cannot care about.
therefore "won't." do not want. - why is that terror dread /because I cannot stay?
*** this, too. I do not care. only when awake. only after - forgetting, distance fr full inner immersion. + stimulating dopamine.
there is no option but that? have to forget?
been trying to? face this since 18. Tender is the Night. What was it I almost understood? the painter at the idyllic mental hospital.
and Dick tells her, what more or less it was nothing. fringes of cnsness can't go there. peasant blood, thick ankles.
wh means what. a so-full inescapable necessity even of living in the world. /does anyone whose experience is that take
any int in the 'fringes of cnsness'? wldn't be irrelevant to them.
I love him. I know him. iona moon. it's not the same. it feels the same.
this is what I know. this inner.
no longer feels like a qstn ? not as compellingly feeling is "a trick" it was nothing /but: this. is nothing. - is wh d n care abt.
-if I cared, it wld be about the task of describing, asking.
/if I forget enough to not only care about ~staying - refusing this. - rejection of this is wh I care abt? then wh was the feeling of a qstn? trying to not reject? to accept? ..........that may be right............
* does it earn me anyth to show hv been asking this ever since. in hs ~ salinger, irving. sadness, passing open windows. not so dffrnt other adolescents.
but the full on bell jar feeling. that was not other ppl's experience.
after terror, my int: didion ctr not hold. /also fr beginning: not alone.
prime mover. timaeus euclid how to start.
ananke. ..chaucer, bible: why? why tell a story, believe - act like happened?
premise: to me it didn't happen. there was no necessity. there was no start.
leibniz: it d n mean anyth to be anyth unless you are that. principle non ctrdctn.
you need a relationship psychotherapy not philosophy.
who can help me if no idea wh I am talking abt? - arrogant to think that. no. they mostly do not. they.
they - incl, eg DFW. so smart. despairing. not the same. I am so disappointed. "this is water." says important try is to remember that.
like, not fall in the They. (why. why try to do that. why be a philosopher. / or if hear it as: live in the physical world. better.
but that's not wh meant?
I do need a philopher psychotherapist. or best friend. or again, does it earn me anyth that I have been saying th is wh I need. ever since.
'like breath to me' obvsly Heidegger. sth to actually say. about wh is going on. phenomenology.
and most helpful to me: be the clearing. /being-me is the water.
what is this air mood fills the room
every undst has its mood every mood its undst
also obvsly Kierkegaard. he is the - 'if he had just worked things out w regina.' the: maybe not really about needing to understand.
about love. about an other. Levinas. but that is not _not_ about understanding. coming to know falling in love feels the same anne carson.
still is about trying to tell. thought-tell prufrock dancer.
I was not even thinking of tse. ted hughes on. true self takes over. why is this upsetting, too much.
want/liking incentive valience. appetitive. attracts energizes prime mover. *
rewards vs punishments
encouragement discouragement
hope- or okay for moment despair
being w openly troubled others
being w open others
vs feeling of normality I cannot ... recognize -care about-
I am not int in most ppl ? in most settings // or, in the settings I see: that my parents see: volunteer, jobs church preschool. botanical gardens. retail.
conversation. actual. inquiry. needn't be about emotional life (can be). can be about math.
thinking tgthr. character - fate - logic - ananke. coming to know, falling in love.
/my qstn to carson, and to a phillips too, do you really learn and try to tell sth each bk?
is each one worth? I guess it is, as way to keep thinking.
children thinking.
thus, toddlers!
conversation. actual. inquiry. needn't be about emotional life (can be). can be about math.
thinking tgthr. character - fate - logic - ananke. coming to know, falling in love.
children thinking. but they like to be doing.
thus, toddlers! still, need someone to share it with. why because they are not thinking -with- me? I want the with.
getting away with sth. why bcs like being with - myself /always feels better. Bobbie re trevor smuggling cat in.
holden? secret. does he say that at end catcher rye well I think of it he pretends like pudding or sth
it is like being w ones self isn't it
con.
gaming. stealing. why. = opportunity smhw fits w my opp cost model. way make decisions. can get this, so will.
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