Attachment, Separation, Loss.

Inconsolable.


concerned with: attachment. Erikson stage one. trust or mistrust. hope or not. consolable or not.

Wait without hope, for hope would be for the wrong thing.
I've lost hope. It's easier to live without it. First you abandon someone and then someone abandons you.
no. no no no no, how could you abandon someone first? it may it only feels like that. you were just a baby.
the babies in the study who were handled minimally lying on their beds in the same position not moving left indentations.

the baby's hand on mother's face, through the night, that she's there.

if she's there with you, is there anything wrong?
nothing wrong in this whole world.


a plea so desperate it reads Come get me yesterday.

Open your eyes. This is what I look like when I believe in you.


do you have belief in? experience of. achievement. learning-realizing. coming to understand.
do you think someone knows-understands things sachen matters that you do not.
what is there to accomplish?


you will die. if you expect to die tomorrow, what do you do today. I think this, that I would lie down still and think. feel a tension. body. be in it.
no you can't sleep when you are dead. you can't sleep then.


mornings evenings afternoons. I like mornings. have dreaded. 'Nothing here to be afraid of. It's just the morning.' but also have enjoyed. I like evenings. so right now it seems to me that it is afternoons that are uncomfortable. laundry time. full daylight. 3pm. 1pm to 6pm to be sure.


write down everything you remember. would that be worthwhile? interesting, enjoyable. tell me something.


no important secrets. no one is trying to find out. sitting on the floor with the notebook of yours pulled from under the bed, behind the bookcase, feeling surreptitious and reading what you wrote. oh.
what could they read that would matter?
who could read you that would matter?


there is always something between people. or not.


here are notebooks full of meanings, things I wrote.
'I accept you as you are.' - you are not curious?

someone could want to find out about you, every day. did you like this? why? what did you think? why do you say that?
for fun. for the fun of: a whole other person.

the baby's hand on mother's face.
the mother, as baby rolls over: Yay! that's wonderful. you are wonderful.

this is not nothing.

there is nothing here to be afraid of.
I want wholesome now. I'd like feeling and an interesting role to play and something between people and I don't want it to be ugly or impossible or terrifying.

I don't know what to tell you.
why would I write a book, who would I want to tell?